


Watch The Sky

by hereonourstreet



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Second Person, Past Mafuyu/Yuki, Referenced Mafuyu/Yuki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23692561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereonourstreet/pseuds/hereonourstreet
Summary: Mafuyu has some reflections on how to reconcile his feelings. Second person POV. I'm never sure how to tag things but this is literally just some of Mafuyu's thoughts so there's no actual ship story? If that makes sense? But it's post-Yuki while he's with Ue because, um, I'm rooting for them.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	Watch The Sky

**Author's Note:**

> maybe it's lockdown but i've been depressed as hell these days and i've sat on this for a while because it's an extremely personal piece. then i listened to fuyu no hanashi for the first time since like, Animal Crossing came out lmao, and had to get it out. there is a way his voice sounds at the end of the second line, when he says 'mitai na' or something, i don't really know but that really gets my heart beating
> 
> also this is dedicated to someone but i don't want to say his name- though his voice sounded a lot like mafuyu's tbh, not that i heard it nearly as much as i would have liked

Maybe some part of you really believed writing a single song about him would help. You really thought singing your guts out in front of an audience would get rid of it all and you’d be able to move on. You’d face your old friends with no need for forgiveness and find something just as warm in someone new. But you also had that nagging in the back of your head that it wasn’t going to change anything. It wasn’t going to make things better. Or right. 

In reality, you fell somewhere in the middle. You  _ can  _ see your old friends with no hard feelings - and you  _ want  _ to explore your feelings for someone new. Desperately. In fact, that’s what you think about most. The prospect of making something new with Uenoyama is exciting, especially given the fact that what you had before was inherently old. A childhood friend turned lover; someone you don’t remember not knowing. There wasn’t a time in your life you didn’t know Yuki. He was just a constant and the two of you rode out the waves together. 

He used to do this thing where he would break a kiss for just a second and glare behind you, as if he was warning someone off. Like he was telling someone you were his and if they pulled anything funny with you, they’d be dead. You never got a chance to ask him what the hell that was about. You’ll never know what he was doing. 

There are a lot of things you’ll never do again. 

You’re not good at expressing yourself. You don’t know if you ever will be. You don’t know if you’ll ever be able to get everything out and you don’t really want to sit around blaming your dad for that even though you know that’s why. He convinced you not to speak and to this day, you don’t. You know that people want you to. You know Yuki wanted you to and you know Uenoyama does, too. Hell, the whole band encourages you to - sometimes even Ugetsu, in his own weird way - but you wonder if some of this is natural. You were born unable to move your lips; your dad just cemented them shut. 

You have someone new that you like, but part of what you like about him is that you’re fairly sure he’d never expect you to forget Yuki. Yuki was a little ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day. You learned a lot from him. You learned a lot  _ with  _ him. You made a hell of a lot of mistakes with him, had a lot of expectations he couldn’t meet and you realized quickly you didn’t actually care about. Society and all - made you think things mattered that didn’t. He never held it against you. He did the same things. But in the end, it really felt like you two against the world. 

_ “Maybe one day we can get one of those places with an elevator that opens right up onto your floor,”  _ he’d said.  _ “No hallway. You know?” _

You still have no idea what he was talking about. But you’d made these plans that you were skeptical would come to fruition. You did wonder if you’d make it. He was the love of your life but was it really until death? Would you really manage the rest of your lives together? Would you separate for university and then come back together? What if he wanted to be in a band for real? Wanted to tour? What if you found you didn’t want anything to do with music - you couldn’t handle him being gone that long? Could it possibly last?

The thing is, it  _ was  _ until death. Unfortunately. You loved Yuki to the day he died and, you think, he loved you, too. 

Sometimes you wish you knew he didn’t. But a fight doesn’t rip people apart -  _ shouldn’t  _ rip people apart. It shouldn’t have ended everything. It was a pretty bad one, but you’d had disagreements before. You would have gotten through it. Right now, in this moment, you would be fine. You’d still be dating him and you’d still wonder what the hell he meant about the elevator. You’d both still be in love and you wouldn’t even remember that day. It would be such a distant memory. 

If only. 

Once he told you that over time, your memories would fade. You’d remember that you’d done things, but the color of your sweater would become foggy, the little jokes you had would get old. You’d remember you went to the beach, but you wouldn’t remember what happened once you were there. 

Thinking about that is when you start to boil over. It’s when you do start to feel and you feel so much that you  _ must  _ express it. The true terror of forgetting. What if one day you forget Yuki? What if a day goes by that you don’t think about him? What if you become so happy - so content - so enamored with Uenoyama that you don’t remember Yuki?

That’s why you sang your guts out. Immortalizing Yuki in song means you can never forget. He can never go away. All the things he taught you will always be with you; all the things he learned from you are memories you can keep. It’s so hard and there are those moments that you remember  _ this is forever  _ and you start to  _ feel.  _

He’s never coming back. 

You don’t get closure. You don’t get comfort. Not from him. And if you lose Hiiragi and Shizu, you lose everything from that time. You won’t have anyone around to remind you. It’s not common to stay close after high school. So you’re scared as hell; at least, you’re a lot more scared than you know how to say. 

One day, you will forget Yuki. 

Eventually, it won’t hurt as bad.

It’ll turn into a life event. An event that shaped you, to be sure. Some people have called it a trauma. Maybe it is. But the fact remains that one day… you’ll forget the color of Yuki’s sweater. The jokes you told. The weird things he said and strange tics he had. 

A day will come where you realize life went on without him. Even if you wish it wouldn’t. 

And is there any good reason not to continue it with someone else? Uenoyama was so cool when you first met him; sleepy and unfazed and knowledgeable. A rock star. The first thing he ever did for you was fix something of yours that had broken. He took Yuki’s guitar into his own hands and returned it to the state it was in when Yuki had it. You were the reason the string snapped; Uenoyama was the reason it plays so beautifully again. Doesn’t that mean anything? That no matter how broken you are, Uenoyama will be there to at least  _ try  _ to fix your strings again? To get you back in tune? To calm the calluses on your fingertips - even if he is kind of a dope about romance. Nothing at all like he was the day you met. Not like Yuki. 

And you don’t want him to be. 

He’s attractive and talented and hardworking, even if he still goes red when you get anywhere near him. It’s endearing, though. You like that he’s nervous around you. You’re his first big crush. You’re his first even though he isn’t yours. He might get insecure at times but he doesn’t seem to worry too much. And he shouldn’t. He doesn’t need to. When he asks if you’d like to go on a date sometime - a secret one, of course - you say yes. Because you like him. You like him the way you liked Yuki; at the same time, your relationship with him is nothing like the one you had with Yuki, either. 

It doesn’t need to be. It shouldn’t be. They’re different people who gave you different things and just because Yuki came first doesn’t mean Uenoyama isn’t important. Just because you no longer have Yuki doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have needed Uenoyama. He definitely gives you something that you lost with Yuki. What Yuki gave you mattered and that’s why Uenoyama respects it. 

Maybe one day you’ll sing your guts out about Uenoyama. In fact, you’d like to. 

**Author's Note:**

> i do have a fandom only [twitter](https://twitter.com/5H1R0G4N3) if anyone (over 18) wants to talk given with me (especially ugetsu) because i'm starving... i can't believe the movie is postponed... and my personal twitter is [here](https://twitter.com/hereonourstreet) but it's probably really annoying


End file.
